ABBOTT & COSTELLO — “THE BASKET ON THE TRAIN”.154
🚂 ABBOTT & COSTELLO — “THE BASKET ON THE TRAIN”
OPENING
It was the kind of quiet morning at the train station that usually meant trouble was only a few minutes away.
A long black passenger train waited beside the platform, steam drifting lazily around the wheels. Porters hurried past carrying suitcases, conductors checked their watches, and passengers leaned out of open windows saying goodbye to relatives.
Abbott stood beside one of the train cars in a clean light-colored suit, his tie perfectly straight and his hat tilted at exactly the right angle.
Beside him stood Costello.
Costello wore a checkered jacket, a dark hat, and the expression of a man who had already forgotten why he was there.
In his hands was a large wicker basket covered with a white cloth.
Abbott checked his watch.
“Costello, listen carefully.”
“I’m listening.”
“The train leaves at nine o’clock.”
“I know.”
“It’s eight fifty-five.”
“I know that too.”
“So how much time do we have?”
Costello looked thoughtful.
Very thoughtful.
Abbott watched him.
Costello looked at the station clock.
Then at his fingers.
“Don’t calculate it,” Abbott said quickly. “I was only checking whether you were paying attention.”
“I’m paying attention.”
“Good. Because your job is very simple.”
Costello smiled.
“I like simple jobs.”
“You take that basket onto the train.”
Costello looked down at the basket.
“The whole basket?”
“Yes, the whole basket.”
“With the handle?”
“With the handle.”
“And the cloth?”
“Yes.”
“And everything inside?”
Abbott paused.
“Yes, Costello. That is generally what taking a basket means.”
“All right.”
“Then you give it to the conductor.”
Costello stared at him.
“The conductor wants my basket?”
“No.”
“Then why am I giving it to him?”
“So he can check it.”
Costello looked suspiciously at the basket.
“Is he a basket inspector?”
“No!”
“Then why is he checking baskets?”
“He isn’t checking baskets!”
“You just said he was.”
“I said he has to check your basket!”
“So he does check baskets.”
Abbott closed his eyes.
“No. He checks what passengers bring onto the train.”
Costello nodded slowly.
“So he checks passengers.”
“No.”
“He checks what passengers bring.”
“Yes.”
“I’m bringing the basket.”
“Yes.”
“So he checks the basket.”
“Yes.”
Costello smiled triumphantly.
“So he’s a basket inspector.”
Abbott stared at him.
The train had not even moved yet, and Abbott already looked exhausted.
MISUNDERSTANDING
Abbott pointed firmly toward the train.
“Just carry the basket aboard.”
“All right.”
“And give it to the conductor.”
Costello stopped.
“What if he doesn’t want it?”
“He doesn’t keep it.”
“Then why give it to him?”
“He looks at it and gives it back.”
Costello immediately hugged the basket tighter.
“I’m not giving it to a man who’s just going to give it back.”
Abbott’s eyes widened.
“That’s the point!”
“What kind of point is that?”
“He has to make sure it’s allowed on the train.”
Costello looked shocked.
“You think the basket did something?”
“No.”
“Then why wouldn’t it be allowed on the train?”
“There are rules.”
“For baskets?”
“For luggage!”
Costello looked at the basket.
“This isn’t luggage.”
“What is it?”
“A basket.”
Abbott inhaled slowly.
“A basket you are traveling with is luggage.”
“So if I travel with you, are you luggage?”
“No!”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a person!”
“What if I put you in the basket?”
“You’re not putting me in the basket.”
“I’m only asking.”
“And I’m only answering.”
Costello thought about it.
“So if you’re outside the basket, you’re a passenger.”
“Yes.”
“But if you’re inside the basket…”
Abbott pointed a finger directly at him.
“Do not finish that sentence.”
Costello shrugged.
“You’re the one who brought up the rules.”
Abbott reached toward the cloth covering the basket.
“What’s inside this thing anyway?”
Costello immediately slapped Abbott’s hand away.
“Don’t open it!”
Abbott jumped.
“Why not?”
“I was told not to.”
“By whom?”
“The man.”
Abbott frowned.
“What man?”
“The man who gave me the basket.”
Abbott slowly lowered his hand.
“Someone gave you this basket?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“A man.”
“What man?”
“The one who gave me the basket.”
“I understand that! What’s his name?”
“I don’t know.”
Abbott stared at him.
“You took a mysterious basket from a man whose name you don’t know?”
“Yes.”
“And brought it to a train station?”
“Yes.”
“And now you’re taking it onto a train?”
Costello pointed at Abbott.
“Because you told me to.”
Abbott froze.
“Before I told you.”
“I was going to.”
“Why?”
“The man told me.”
“What exactly did the man say?”
Costello tried to remember.
“He said, ‘Take this to the station.’”
“That’s all?”
“That’s all.”
“He didn’t tell you to put it on the train?”
“No.”
“Then why were you going to?”
Costello smiled.
“Because you told me.”
Abbott stared at him for several seconds.
Costello smiled even wider.
“I follow instructions very well.”
CORRECTION
Abbott adjusted his tie.
“All right. Forget the man.”
“I already forgot him.”
“Good.”
“But if he comes back, should I remember him?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“What if he asks for his basket?”
“Then give it to him.”
“But you told me to give it to the conductor.”
Abbott raised his voice.
“Only after we get on the train!”
“So whoever asks first gets the basket?”
“No!”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
“There is no competition for the basket!”
Costello looked around.
“Then why are you shouting?”
Abbott lowered his voice.
“I am trying to explain something very simple.”
“Go ahead.”
“This basket needs to reach the next town.”
“Right.”
“We are going to the next town.”
“Right.”
“The train is going to the next town.”
“Right.”
“So the basket goes with us.”
Costello nodded.
“Now I understand.”
Abbott smiled with relief.
“Finally.”
Costello immediately handed Abbott the basket.
Abbott nearly dropped it.
“What are you doing?”
“You said it goes with us.”
“Yes!”
“Well, you’re us.”
“No, we’re us.”
“That’s what I said.”
“You’re carrying it!”
Costello took the basket back.
“I thought we were carrying it.”
“We are!”
Abbott pointed to Costello.
“You physically carry it.”
Costello looked offended.
“So when there’s work, suddenly ‘we’ means me.”
“That is not what I meant.”
“It sounded like it.”
“Costello, please.”
“All right.”
Abbott continued.
“You take it onto the train.”
“Yes.”
“You show it to the conductor.”
“Yes.”
“He checks it.”
“Yes.”
“He gives it back.”
“Yes.”
“And then you put it in the luggage compartment.”
Costello froze.
“The luggage compartment?”
“Yes.”
“You said it was a basket.”
“I know it’s a basket!”
“Then why are we putting it with the luggage?”
“Because it counts as luggage!”
“We’re back to that again?”
Abbott stared at him.
Costello sighed.
“This is the most complicated basket I’ve ever met.”
ESCALATION
A train whistle sounded.
Abbott checked his watch.
“We have three minutes.”
Costello looked nervous.
“Three minutes until what?”
“The train leaves!”
“Without us?”
“Yes!”
“That’s rude.”
“It’s a train, Costello! It has a schedule!”
Costello picked up the basket.
“Fine. Let’s go.”
Abbott stopped him.
“Wait.”
Costello stopped.
“What?”
“Do you have the tickets?”
Costello stared at Abbott.
“What tickets?”
“The train tickets!”
“You didn’t give me tickets.”
“I gave them to you at the hotel.”
“No, you gave me two little pieces of paper.”
Abbott slowly leaned toward him.
“Those were the tickets.”
Costello’s face changed.
“Oh.”
“Where are they?”
Costello checked his jacket pocket.
Nothing.
Then another pocket.
Nothing.
Then his trousers.
Nothing.
Abbott’s expression became increasingly concerned.
“Costello…”
“I’ve got them.”
“Where?”
Costello pointed at the basket.
Abbott stared.
“You put the tickets in the basket?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“You said not to lose them.”
“So you put them inside the basket that you’re not allowed to open?”
Costello nodded.
“I thought that was smart.”
Abbott looked toward the sky.
“Open the basket.”
“I can’t.”
“We need the tickets.”
“I was told not to open it.”
“We can’t get on the train without the tickets!”
“Then we can’t open the basket on the train.”
“We’re not on the train!”
“Exactly.”
Abbott grabbed the cloth.
Costello grabbed Abbott’s wrist.
“No!”
“Let go!”
“You’ll get us in trouble!”
“With whom?”
“The man!”
“You don’t even know who he is!”
“That makes him more dangerous!”
Abbott released the cloth.
“All right. Fine. We’ll explain it to the conductor.”
Costello looked relieved.
“Good.”
They walked toward the train door.
A conductor approached them.
“Tickets, please.”
Abbott smiled confidently.
“Costello.”
Costello smiled at the conductor.
“Good morning.”
“Tickets, please.”
Costello nodded.
“Yes.”
The conductor waited.
Costello waited.
Abbott turned.
“Give him the tickets.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“They’re in the basket.”
The conductor looked at the basket.
“Then get them.”
Costello shook his head.
“I’m not allowed to open it.”
The conductor looked at Abbott.
Abbott smiled awkwardly.
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got a train leaving in two minutes.”
Costello nodded sympathetically.
“You should hurry.”
Abbott grabbed Costello by the shoulders.
“He is the conductor!”
“I know.”
“He’s leaving with the train!”
“That explains the uniform.”
The conductor sighed.
“Sir, either show me the tickets or step away from the train.”
Abbott looked at Costello.
“Open the basket.”
Costello looked terrified.
“All right.”
He slowly reached toward the cloth.
Then stopped.
“What?”
Abbott shouted.
“What now?”
“I forgot something.”
“What?”
“The basket isn’t ours.”
Abbott went still.
“What do you mean it isn’t ours?”
“I told you. A man gave it to me.”
“Yes, I know!”
“So technically we’re opening someone else’s basket.”
Abbott clenched his jaw.
“Open it.”
“That sounds like something that could get us arrested.”
The conductor took a step backward.
Abbott noticed.
“No! No! Nothing illegal is happening!”
Costello nodded.
“Except maybe opening the basket.”
Abbott glared at him.
Costello lifted the cloth.
Everyone leaned forward.
Inside the basket were sandwiches.
Dozens of sandwiches.
Abbott blinked.
Costello blinked.
The conductor blinked.
Costello lifted one sandwich.
“Oh.”
Abbott stared.
“Sandwiches?”
“Looks like it.”
Abbott grabbed another.
“Why is the basket full of sandwiches?”
“I don’t know.”
“Who gives a stranger a basket full of sandwiches?”
Costello shrugged.
“A generous man?”
Abbott searched through the basket.
“No tickets.”
Costello looked surprised.
“They’re gone!”
Abbott looked at him.
“They were never in here!”
“Yes, they were.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
“When did you put them in?”
“At breakfast.”
Abbott stopped.
“At breakfast?”
“Yes.”
“What were you carrying at breakfast?”
Costello thought.
“A basket.”
“This basket?”
Costello looked at the current basket carefully.
Then his face slowly changed.
“No.”
Abbott’s mouth fell open.
“You brought the wrong basket?”
Costello looked embarrassed.
“They both had handles.”
The train whistle blew again.
“One minute!” shouted the conductor.
Abbott grabbed Costello.
“Where is our basket?”
“At the hotel.”
“And where are our tickets?”
“In our basket.”
“And where is this basket supposed to go?”
Costello smiled.
“The station.”
Abbott stared at him.
“You mean the man only asked you to bring his sandwiches to the station?”
“Yes.”
“And you were about to take them to another town?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Costello pointed toward Abbott.
“You told me to put the basket on the train.”
Abbott opened his mouth.
Closed it.
Opened it again.
Nothing came out.
Costello smiled proudly.
“I’m glad we finally cleared that up.”
THE ESCALATION GETS WORSE
Abbott suddenly grabbed the basket.
“Fine! Forget the basket. We’ll buy new tickets.”
“Good idea.”
Abbott reached into his pocket.
Then another pocket.
Then his inside jacket pocket.
His expression changed.
Costello watched him.
“What?”
Abbott searched again.
“My wallet.”
“What about it?”
“It’s gone.”
Costello looked concerned.
“Did you lose it?”
“No, I didn’t lose it! I had it this morning.”
“At breakfast?”
“Yes.”
Costello slowly looked toward the basket.
Abbott slowly followed his eyes.
“No.”
Costello lifted the cloth.
There, underneath the sandwiches, was Abbott’s wallet.
Abbott snatched it.
“How did my wallet get in there?”
Costello smiled.
“I put it there.”
“WHY?”
“You told me to watch your wallet.”
“So?”
“I put it where I could watch it.”
“You covered it with sandwiches!”
“I knew where it was.”
Abbott opened the wallet.
Empty.
He stared inside.
Then at Costello.
“Where’s the money?”
Costello hesitated.
“What money?”
“The money that was in my wallet!”
“Oh, that.”
Abbott’s eyes widened.
“What did you do with it?”
“I bought breakfast.”
“All of it?”
“Breakfast was expensive.”
Abbott looked at the mountain of sandwiches.
“You bought all these?”
“No.”
“Then what did you buy?”
“Two eggs.”
Abbott nearly fell backward.
“You spent all my money on TWO EGGS?”
“No.”
“Then where is the rest?”
“I gave it to the waiter.”
“As a tip?”
“No. He said he needed change.”
“You gave the waiter all my money because he needed change?”
“Yes.”
“What did he give you?”
Costello reached into his pocket and produced several coins.
“Change.”
Abbott looked ready to collapse.
The conductor shouted:
“Thirty seconds!”
Abbott immediately grabbed the coins.
“How much?”
Costello counted.
“Thirty-eight cents.”
“Two train tickets cost four dollars!”
Costello smiled.
“Then we’re short.”
“I KNOW WE’RE SHORT!”
Costello looked at Abbott from head to toe.
“You’re not that tall yourself.”
Abbott stared at him.
COMEDIC ENDING
The train began to move.
Abbott rushed toward it.
“Come on!”
Costello followed with the basket.
The train slowly rolled along the platform.
Abbott grabbed the handrail.
“Give me the basket!”
Costello handed it to him.
Abbott climbed onto the step.
“Now jump!”
Costello started running beside the train.
“I can’t!”
“Why not?”
“I’ve got the tickets!”
Abbott froze.
“What?”
Costello reached inside his hat and pulled out two train tickets.
Abbott stared at them.
“You had the tickets in your hat the whole time?”
Costello nodded.
“I didn’t want to lose them.”
“Then why did you tell me they were in the basket?!”
“I thought they were.”
Abbott reached desperately toward him.
“Give them to me!”
Costello ran faster.
“You already got on the train!”
“I NEED THE TICKET!”
Costello stretched out his hand.
Abbott stretched out his.
Their fingers almost touched.
Almost.
Then the train picked up speed.
Costello stopped running.
Abbott disappeared down the track aboard the departing train, still holding the basket full of sandwiches.
Costello stood alone on the platform with both tickets in his hand.
He looked at the tickets.
Then at the disappearing train.
Then at the station clock.
A moment later, the mysterious man who had originally given him the basket walked up.
“Excuse me,” the man said. “Where’s my lunch?”
Costello pointed toward the train disappearing in the distance.
“It’s going to the next town.”
The man stared at him.
“Why?”
Costello smiled.
“Abbott said it needed a ticket.”
He looked down at the two tickets in his hand.
Then his smile disappeared.
“Oh…”
Costello slowly looked toward the tracks.
“ABBOTT!”
From somewhere far down the railway came Abbott’s faint voice:
“COSTELLOOOOO!”
Costello looked at the stranger.
“See?”
He calmly placed the two tickets inside his pocket.
“He found the basket.”
And without another word, Costello walked away from the station.
The stranger watched him leave.
Then looked down the railroad tracks.
Then back at Costello.
“But those were my sandwiches!”
Costello turned around.
“Don’t worry.”
“What do you mean, don’t worry?”
Costello pointed toward the tracks.
“Abbott hasn’t paid for breakfast yet.”
